Boy meets girl. Girl meets boy. Boy meets boy. Girl meets girl. And unfortunately, they’ve met each other in the office that they’ll be working in together because, well…they’re co-workers. And we’ve all been there. You make flirty eyes as you walk past the bleak, colorless cubicles, or gently brush hands as you’re reaching for the day old coffee in the break-room. It’s a scene right out of a Danielle Steel novel. But once boy and girl take their relationship a step further and…you know, step inside the box…play with the low-hanging fruit…touch base (and more) with each other, that’s where things can go awry.
Here are three reasons why you should never sleep with a co-worker.
1. YOU WILL PICTURE THEM NAKED EVERY TIME YOU SEE THEM
If you work in a corporate setting, on average you will be working about 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. Overall, this is 40 hours per week. Or 7200 minutes. Or 432,000 seconds. When there are so many moments throughout the week that you are likely to run into the person, that just last week you were clattering genitals with, are you willing to take this risk and ultimately get in bed with them? And then, when you do run into them in the office, which of course you are going to do, because not only are you confined to a compact space, but that’s just how life works, your brain is going to revert right back into childish 13 year-old-mode. Those genitals that you were recently so familiar with? The image of them will pop straight back into your noggin. That’s the funny thing about the brain: it never forgets something you’d like to forget. And it also likes to fuck with you. So as you’re trying to play it cool, not to make a scene or lead any of your other co-workers on to your late night rendezvous’, your brain will be forcing you to think of your co-twerker at his/her most intimate and vulnerable time. Boobs and pubes aplenty. Seems like this could potentially be distraction, no? Yes. The answer is yes.
2. EVERYTHING WILL BECOME AWKWARD
Trying to avoid your once part-time lover is awkward enough as it is. You go out of your way, taking awkward routes you’d normally never use and you come in late just to avoid an awkward glimpse of he/she.
You’re constantly in fear that you’ll run into your ex-sexmate, perpetually looking over your shoulder, as if you have some sort of nervous tick. You’re always feeling like he/she will pop out behind a corner at any moment. You’re more on edge than Woody Allen watching the Breaking Bad finale.
But, when you are forced to interact with this person, such as during business meetings, working on projects together or just conversing in a group with other co-workers, you’re then forced to make awkward small-talk, while awkwardly gazing around to avoid the awkward eye contact between you and your one night stand and to see if there’s any way out of this incredibly awkward situation.
Plus, when you’re in this setting with familiar acquaintances, you’re forced to keep this secret, attempting not to make any sudden movements to blow both of your covers. If David Attenborough were to narrate this scene, it would be something similar to this:
Let’s look at this rare species in their natural habitat. Watch as the man nervously fidgets with his tie and notice how that woman’s eye is beginning to twitch uncontrollably. Simply marvelous!
And as I previously mentioned: one night stands. In the corporate world, there is no such thing as a one night stand. It’s a “we’re-going-to-be-seeing-each-other-for-quite-a-while, until-one-of-us-quits-or-gets-fired-stand.” Seems a bit more complicated and messy, no? Yes, you fools. The answer is yes.
3. SEXUAL HARASSMENT LAWSUITS
If things were to get potentially ugly, which isn’t out of the realm of things, a sexual harassment case could be on the way in the near future. So, just a quick friendly reminder to be careful who you chose to fornicate with. You never know who’s going to come back and bite you in the ass (in this case, it’s probably the person who may have literally bitten you in the ass).