1. “THE GOSSIP”
“Did you hear that Sandy is getting a divorce from Steve? And Steve has secretly been having an affair with their mailman? And Sandy is so upset that she dyed her hair, but put too much bleach in the dye and she had to shave it all off and now she’s wearing a wig?”
Honestly, I just came here to borrow your stapler. I don’t even know who Sandy is.
2. “THE ONE WHO IS UNAWARE OF PERSONAL SPACE”
Oh, great. It’s you. You popped into my cubicle without asking and then proceeded to tap me on the shoulder to get my attention. Don’t worry, unwanted touching is always fun and comfortable. Super glad you’re completely blocking my exit too, so even if I tried to leave my desk, I couldn’t. And could you not rest your entire body on my desk as you talk to me? And did I offer you these pretzels I’m eating? I don’t think I did, but go ahead and reach in anyways! Help yourself! Mi casa es su casa….apparently.
3. “THE NOISE MAKER”
This guy has restless everything syndrome. He chomps and chews his food unbearably loud, he clicks the top of his pen over and over, and he repeatedly taps his foot under his desk, thinking he’s Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance. You want to tell him to be quiet, but he wouldn’t be able to hear you over all the disturbing amount of noise that he’s making.
4. “THE PERPETUAL BLUE TOOTH — USER”
Wait. You haven’t been talking to me for the past 30 seconds? Jesus, those damn things need to be bigger!
5. “THE TWEETER”
This guy can’t control himself when it comes to Twitter. Everything must be tweeted. Everything. How he’s feeling that morning, what he’s eating for his snack, that hilarious thing that Jan (aka @JantheWoman65) said in the copy room (spoiler alert: it really wasn’t that funny). He re-tweets office humor memes and floods your Twitter feed with pictures of dogs and cats cuddling with each other in order to “get you through your day.” Note: this guy can also be known as “The Hashtag Abuser.” Some of his favorite are: #riseandgrind #workinghardforthemoney and, of course, #tgif. This guy has as much originality as every Hollywood movie remake does.
6. “THE INSTAGRAMMER”
Like “The Tweeter,” this guy has an uncontrollable addiction to social media and it’s imperative that everything in his sight must be photographed and uploaded straight to Instagram, for if it is not, an angel loses it’s Walden-filtered wings. His new tie? BOOM. Instagrammed with a Lo-Fi filter. The Dilbert bobble-head on his desk? BAM. Instagrammed with an Inkwell filter to make it more artsy. And his food? Oh boy. This guy over here thinks he’s the fucking Annie Leibovitz of Instagramming food. Newsflash buddy: no one cares about your left over salmon and rice from last night. Putting a filter over it isn’t going to disguise the dirty tupperware you brought it in, either. While an ascetically pleasing piece of food can be nice to look at every once in a while, I don’t need to see your half-assed meals taking up my Instagram feed. Oh, and enough with those cutsie hashtags, too. You’ve all seen them: #foodporn, #foodie, #tastygram or #nomnomnom. Use one of those and you can kiss my (h)ass(tag).
7. “THE OLD GUY”
So, uh, how long has this guy been working here?
Dude, nobody knows.