The show about nothing, we all know, was always about something: the business of life. And who better to show us the way than a standup comedian, an entrepreneurial hipster doofus, an acid-tongued clothing catalog editor, and a slow-witted bald man? Not to mention some other people.
From tips on interviewing, to crafting the perfect comeback, to starting a condiment business, to impersonating a doctor, the quotes below are bursting with unbridled wisdom. So put on your lobster bibs and get ready to feast on these juicy nuggets of business genius from my favorite and, yes, the best, TV show of all time. Gitty up!
WHAT TO SAY WHEN …
Being questioned about the reports you handed in: “I don’t even really work here.” – Kramer
Interviewing (for a job in garment sales): “From the first time I laid eyes on a brassiere, I was enthralled…. I picked it up, I studied it, I thought, ‘I like this.’ I didn’t know in what way or on what level, but I knew I wanted to be around brassieres. ” – George
Pretending to be a doctor: “Why would I, a Juliard-trained dermatologist, send him to another doctor?” – Kramer
Defending your internship program before the Dean: “And with Darrin’s help we’ll get that chicken!” – Kramer, then-CEO of Kramerica Industries
Telling your boss you’re quitting: “That’s it. This is it. I’m done! Through. It’s over. I’m gone! Finished! Over! I will never work for you again! Look at you: you think you’re an important man? Is that what you think? You are a laughing stock. You are a joke. These people are laughing at you! You’re nothing! You have no brains, no ability – nothing! … I quit.” – George
Answering to Accounting about your expenses: “Well, isn’t the president allowed to do anything that they want?” – Elaine
Being confronted about sex with a coworker during business hours: “Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I tell ya, I gotta plead ignorance on this thing, because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing was frowned upon …” – George
Interviewing (for a job in major league sports): “My last job was in publishing. I got fired for having sex in my office with the cleaning woman…. Before that I was in real estate. I quit because my boss wouldn’t let me use his private bathroom.” – George
CUSTOMER RELATIONS
“No soup for you! Come back, one year!” – The Soup Nazi
“You remember this: when you control the mail, you control … information!” – Newman
HOW TO …
Win that promotion: “My presence in that office can only hurt my chances.” – George
Use your job to impress women: “I’m a bootlegger! … Bootlegging the movie, baby.” And before that: “My name is George. I’m unemployed and I live with my parents.” – George
Prepare for an interview (garment sales): “I’m not saying go to the library and read the whole history, but it wouldn’t kill you to know a little bit about it.” – Frank Costanza
AROUND THE OFFICE
Dealing with a conflict between two employees: “Well I see what’s going on here. I am smack-dab in the middle of a good old-fashioned cat fight!” – Peterman
The perfect comeback to your office nemesis: “Well the jerk store called: they’re running out of you!” And if that doesn’t work: “Yeah? Well I had sex with your wife!” – George
Office nicknames: “The thing is, I’m supposed to be T-Bone.” – George
Leaving a legacy: “I want to walk away from the Yankees with people saying, ‘Wow! Now that guy got canned!’” – George
Installing a garbage disposal in your shower: “Well it’s a big job. You’ve got to dismantle the latch hasp from the auxiliary drainage line.” – Puddy
CAREER MOVES
Traveling to Los Angeles for work: “It’s LA! Nobody ever leaves. She’s a seductress; she’s a siren; she’s a virgin; she’s a whoooirre.” – Kramer
Becoming a hand model: “Please! Please! I cannot have this constant bickering. Stress is very damaging to the epidermis!” – George
THE ENTREPRENEURIAL SPIRIT
Selling computers out of your home: “Two months ago I saw a provocative movie on cable TV. It was called “The Net,” with that girl from the bus. I did a little reading and I realized, it wasn’t that far-fetched.” – Frank Costanza
Driving to Michigan for the higher bottle-redemption value: “You overload your inventory and blow your margins on gasoline. Trust me, it doesn’t work” – Kramer
Retail: “Cheap fabric and dim lighting. That’s how you move merchandise.” – Morty Seinfeld
Product ideas: “A restaurant that serves only peanut butter & jelly.” – Kramer
“Hey, how about this: ketchup and mustard in the same bottle.” – Kramer
“A bra is for ladies. Meet … The Bro!” – Kramer
“A brassiere for men. The Mansiere! Get it?” – Frank Costanza
Problems with your hansom cab: “The horse is gassy. It must have been the Beefarino.” – Kramer
WORK-LIFE BALANCE
“I’m starting a Peterman reality bus tour!” – Kramer
“This is a little too much for me. Escaped convicts? Fugitive sex? … I got a cock fight to focus on.” – Jerry
“I’ll tell ya, it was a grind having to fill 10 hours a day. I’m not sure I was ready to have my own talk show set.” – Kramer
Junior Mint?
