It’s official. Budweiser is changing its name to America. Think I’m kidding? The plan was leaked earlier this week with the news that they would be replacing the infamous Budweiser logo and branding on their beer cans and bottles with their new name, America.
They’re even using E Pluribus Unum and the Star Spangled Banner in place of the usual messaging.
Related: A-B InBev Looks to Replace Budweiser With ‘America’ on Packs
The cover story is that they’re trying to give Americans a little taste of Americana as we head into a Summer of Memorial Day cookouts, Labor Day barbecues, and of course, lager-fueled election madness.
Some even think it’s a test marketing campaign to see if the American people will accept the name as a permanent replacement amidst legal issues with some law suit-crazy crazy Czechs.
Don’t believe it.
“Belgium, under the banner of Budweiser is planning an invasion of the United States of America.”
The truth is, Budweiser isn’t even an American brand anymore. Nope. It’s owned by multinational Belgian-Brazilian multinational brewing company ABInBev, and now based in Belgium.
Even though Budweiser has been brewed in St. Louis since the 1800s, they sold out in 2008, but, according to sources, didn’t know they were contributing to a takeover of America itself.
Their evil, master plan is to confuse us into a patriotic, flag waving frenzy of drinking up bottles and cans of our own country, wait until we’re all good and drunk, then invade and seize control of America after which they’ll make us all do their evil Belgian bidding.
Apparently, Belgium has had enough of getting kicked around in two world wars and being known mostly for chocolate, so this is all part of their plan for world domination, so they can be known for more important things like steel, and cars, and reality TV shows.
They’ve teamed up with unlikely aggressor Brazil as Mussolini to their Hitler, because… well, who would ever see that coming?
Brazil is way too chill to try and take over the US, but Belgians? They’re insane.
So, as you tilt back that 12 pack of “America” this Summer, make sure you’re well-armed, because there could be a Belgian or Brazilian in the bushes ready to take you down.