“Did you hear that Sandy is getting a divorce from Steve? And Steve has secretly been having an affair with their mailman? And Sandy is so upset that she dyed her hair, but put too much bleach in the dye and she had to shave it all off and now she\u2019s wearing a wig?\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n
Honestly, I just came here to borrow your stapler. I don\u2019t even know who Sandy is.<\/p>\n
Oh, great<\/i>. It\u2019s you. You popped into my cubicle without asking and then proceeded to tap me on the shoulder to get my attention. Don\u2019t worry, unwanted touching is always fun and comfortable. Super glad you\u2019re completely blocking my exit too, so even if I tried to leave my desk, I couldn\u2019t. And could you not <\/i>rest your entire body on my desk as you talk to me? And did I offer you these pretzels I\u2019m eating? I don\u2019t think I did, but go ahead and reach in anyways! Help yourself! Mi casa es su casa….apparently.<\/p>\n3. \u201cTHE NOISE MAKER\u201d<\/h3>\n
This guy has restless everything<\/i> syndrome. He chomps and chews his food unbearably loud, he clicks the top of his pen over and over, and he repeatedly taps his foot under his desk, thinking he\u2019s Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance. You want to tell him to be quiet, but he wouldn\u2019t be able to hear you over all the disturbing amount of noise that he\u2019s making.<\/p>\n4. \u201cTHE PERPETUAL BLUE TOOTH — USER\u201d<\/h3>\n
Wait. You haven\u2019t<\/i> been talking to me for the past 30 seconds? Jesus, those damn things need to be bigger!<\/p>\n5. \u201cTHE TWEETER\u201d<\/h3>\n
This guy can\u2019t control himself when it comes to Twitter. Everything must be tweeted. Everything. How he\u2019s feeling that morning, what he\u2019s eating for his snack, that hilarious thing that Jan (aka @JantheWoman65) said in the copy room (spoiler alert: it really wasn\u2019t that funny). He re-tweets office humor memes and floods your Twitter feed with pictures of dogs and cats cuddling with each other in order to \u201cget you through your day.\u201d Note: this guy can also be known as \u201cThe Hashtag Abuser.\u201d Some of his favorite are: #riseandgrind #workinghardforthemoney and, of course, #tgif. This guy has as much originality as every Hollywood movie remake does.<\/p>\n
Like \u201cThe Tweeter,\u201d this guy has an uncontrollable addiction to social media and it\u2019s imperative that everything in his sight must be photographed and uploaded straight to Instagram, for if it is not, an angel loses it\u2019s Walden-filtered wings. His new tie? BOOM. Instagrammed with a Lo-Fi filter. The Dilbert bobble-head on his desk? BAM. Instagrammed with an Inkwell filter to make it more artsy<\/i>. And his food? Oh boy. This guy over here thinks he\u2019s the fucking Annie Leibovitz\u00a0of Instagramming food. Newsflash buddy: no one cares about your left over salmon and rice from last night. Putting a filter over it isn\u2019t going to disguise the dirty tupperware you brought it in, either. While an ascetically pleasing piece of food can be nice to look at every once in a while, I don\u2019t need to see your half-assed meals taking up my Instagram feed. Oh, and enough with those cutsie hashtags, too. You\u2019ve all seen them: #foodporn, #foodie, #tastygram or #nomnomnom. Use one of those and you can kiss my (h)ass(tag).<\/p>\n7. \u201cTHE OLD GUY\u201d<\/h3>\n
So, uh, how long has this guy been working here? <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" 1. \u201cTHE GOSSIP\u201d “Did you hear that Sandy is getting a divorce from Steve? And Steve has secretly been having an affair with their mailman? And Sandy is so upset that she dyed her hair, but put too much bleach in the dye and she had to shave it all off and now she\u2019s wearing…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":64,"featured_media":8359,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false},"categories":[77,97,93,1],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\n
\nDude, nobody knows.<\/em><\/p>\n